Furry Murry

I was feeling anxious and annoyed last week studying for finals, so like any rational being I took a quick break to aim my negativity at people who probably don’t deserve it. There were thoughts of submitting this to the school paper, but it has run its last issue already; and someone else suggested printing handbills, but that’s too much effort. So alas my arrogance and snideness will be resigned to that forum where all such thoughts are relegated: the internet.

Healthy Tough Love: An Arrogant 3L Farewell

Hi there, some of you may know me as the asshole in the gym seen at various times dropping shit, grunting, and/or collapsed on the ground in my own vomit. I’ve been told from time to time that my behavior is “disruptive” to other people trying to exercise. Sorry if my intensity throws off your rhythm on the elliptical and makes it tough to focus on the latest gossip in People magazine, but to be honest I don’t really give a shit.

I’ll speak plainly because that’s what I do best. I’ve spent three years mostly keeping my thoughts to myself as I’ve watched so-called “trainers” teach worthless exercises and girls avoid the nut mixes in the cafeteria because they have “too much fat,” and then loading up on pretzels. Let me also be clear: I don’t blame you. I blame our mainstream culture and powers-that-be who’ve brainwashed us with a totally whack food pyramid since kindergarten and told you that running is bad for your knees unless you buy $200 Nikes.

First of all lets talk nutrition. Simple is good. The most instructive evidence here is to ask what our ancestors ate before processed and refined foods were available, i.e. what exists in nature. Eat plenty of meat, tons of veggies, some fruit, nuts, minimal starch and sugar. Anything that MUST be cooked to be edible is out (this includes grains, legumes, and curtail the dairy) Don’t worry about portion size or counting calories; eat until you’re full and then stop. Quality over quantity. Tough huh? Well maybe tough to put into practice but the guidelines are staggeringly simple. Remember these are guidelines; don’t freak out when you have a bagel or pint of ice cream every once in a while either. Follow these guidelines generally and watch the results. Also drink plenty of water – diet coke and coffee don’t count.

On a macronutrient level it’ll look something like this: fair amount of protein, good amount of fat, and relatively low amount of carbohydrates. “But fat is bad for you and makes you fat.” No it isn’t, no it doesn’t, and don’t interrupt me, especially when you don’t know what you’re talking about. Our bodies are designed to burn fat as fuel, not carbohydrates. I could cite reams of modern studies which show a lack of correlative effect between saturated fat, cholesterol, and cardiovascular health. Besides, especially if you want to lose weight, carbohydrates convert into that soft, pudgy, subcutaneous substance a hell of a lot faster than fat does.

What about vegetarians and vegans? Look, if you want to put the so-called interests of other animals before your own personal wellness, that’s fine by me. Just recognize that you’re taking a hit for the team and don’t try to rationalize an unnatural diet as healthy, and then expect me to sign on. The hard truth is that animal proteins and fats are more complete sources of those macronutrients and will benefit short and long term health more than things like soy and other concocted substitutes. For example, legumes contain toxins called lectins, the reason they must be cooked to be edible, and even after being denatured by heat some of those toxins linger around. Purchase meats that are raised on natural (i.e. grass fed for beef) diets by local, conscientious farmers.

When it comes to exercise, engage in natural, functional movements that reflect the ways you use your body in the real world. Pick up heavy things, run fast, master some gymnastic/calisthenic movements, and mix all these together from time to time at high levels of intensity and exertion. Stay off arbitrary machines, 90% of that junk upstairs in the fitness center is just that: junk. Point to me a single instance in the real world that mimics the fixed range of motion and load bearing structure of a leg extension machine and I’ll give you a hundred bucks. Learn the Olympic lifts (the clean & jerk and the snatch), these are highly athletic movements that combine power, speed, and technique. Don’t think they’re functional or are dangerous? Okay, lets see you put a bike on top of a car or lift a bag of flour to the top shelf without first lifting it to your chest and pressing it above your head (also known as a clean & jerk). In all these exercises be sure to execute full range of motion: a squat is not a squat until your hips drop below your knees, and bobbing your shoulders up and down does not constitute a dip.

Chronic cardio isn’t all that great for you, and won’t help you lose weight nearly as well as the above activities. It doesn’t build muscle, which is the most important part of raising your metabolism, which in turn burns fat stores. It also has a deleterious effect on strength and flexibility. If you train your muscles and joints to be strong and flexible, you’re doing far more for your own fitness and long term wellness than by running 10 miles every day. You’ll also be surprised at what you can do with that base of fitness. I rarely run more than half a mile at a time, and in the last year have paced a friend in two ultramarathons (running over 10 miles of each), and then gone and worked out afterwards.

A word to the ladies about exercise: there seems to be this fallacy out there that women should only do “cardio” and lifting weights is only a macho-man thing that will make you big and ugly. That’s utter bullshit. As females you don’t possess the levels of testosterone necessary to “bulk up,” and you aren’t going to perform the silly isolationist bodybuilding exercises that have that effect anyways (things like bicep curls and leg extensions). I recently saw a video with Gwyneth Paltrow and her celebrity trainer about her workout routine in which she remarks, “A woman should never lift more than 3 pounds.” Within 30 seconds she also commented about lugging her 25 pound son around in her arms all day. Rock solid logic there, Gwynny, why don’t you stick to naming your children after fruits and winning Oscars, and leave the fitness advice to people who understand the basic precepts of mathematics.

So that’s my advice. Take it or leave it, I don’t really care. For your own sake I hope you do, rather than continuing to drive yourself crazy counting calories and performing chronic cardio. Whenever faced with a dilemma just ask yourself: what makes sense in terms of simplicity and what our ancestors had access to? They didn’t eat whole grain wheat bagels and they sure as hell didn’t contort themselves on fancy Cybex machines.